Tell Someone I Love You Today: Listen, Linda!

Listen, Linda!! Listen, listen, Linda. Some of you may have seen the funny Listen, Linda YouTube video but it’s real life at my house right now. Our little Perry or better known as #thebean now has another name and it’s Linda!

As my wife put it in a recent Facebook post:

“Well, friends I’d like to introduce you to Perry’s alter ego, “Linda”.

We got intimately acquainted with Linda over the past 36 hours. Turns out that Linda is a fussy, cranky, irrational, and demanding little lady who shows up when Momma eats broccoli, so no broccoli for me until I’m done being the milk cow and hopefully, the appearance of Linda is a rare occasion.

Linda and I put out hay and drove around to check cows, fences, ponds and anything else I could find in hopes of bouncing the colic out of her like a horse in a trailer. I walked 2.75 miles on the treadmill, because I figured out that walking puts a cork in Linda’s crankiness for a bit, and I ended up calling Matt at one point yesterday and suggesting that he come home quickly!”

We have since learned that bell peppers also bring out Linda. I have suggested that Erica stick with basic food items moving forward. Meat, potatoes and items that break down well in a milk such as Fruit Loops, Oreo cookies, ice cream or anything that is more appealing to all humans. Who eats broccoli and bell peppers anyway?

So Perry is almost 2 months old now and I still don’t have a clue what’s going on. You would think having 2 self-sufficient children already, would mean I’d have this parenting thing down. I still don’t have a clue. Why can’t they just arrive ready to open gates, mow the yard and bathe themselves? The ability to do complicated math and use proper verb format would also be a huge bonus. Luckily, 1 of the adults in this house is pretty good at math and the other can use proper English. I’ll leave you to guess which academic strength belongs to each of the adults here.

So as I embark on this geriatric parenting road, here are 10 things I’ve learned so far.

  1. I love sleep and miss it a lot!!
  2. Worrying about what you wear the next morning is not that high of a priority anymore. Just being clean and fully clothed is sufficient.
  3. There are some really cool info commercials on television late at night. You can find a magical cleaner that claims it will take care off anything. I’d be tempted to purchase some, if it can get Kopertox off your hands, clothes or anything else it touches. (Kopertox is a green topical treatment that is recommended as an aid in treating thrush due to organisms susceptible to copper naphthenate. Cattle people often call this condition Foot Rot.) There is a vacuum cleaner that is amazing and some cookware that will never burn your food. I know, right.
  4. My wife and I can now communicate with simple grunts, soft whistles, an array of facial expressions and hand signals that would make any baseball coach blush while still knowing exactly what the other is saying.
  5. Sleeping in the chair or sometimes on the floor rocking #thebean hurts way more than it used to. We now purchase Biofreeze in a gallon jug. It even has a pump on it. Erica advises all soon-to-be mothers to put that on your baby registry!
  6. My most played music is now white noise, pink noise, womb noise and airplane cabin. Cross Canadian Ragweed, The Great Divide, The Cadillac Three, James McMurtry , Koe Wetzel, and so many others are now dead to me.
  7. Breast pump technology has greatly advanced since our last child, but the means in which you do it hasn’t. My wife now walks around the house all hooked up instead of simply sitting in a chair. It can be a little scary when you walk in on your wife brushing her teeth and hear the woosh, woosh of the milking machine.
  8. Everything takes batteries. Everything!! Some take AA, some take AAA, some take a little watch battery. Can we just put a square 9-volt in everything and call it good?
  9. Netflix or Amazon Prime Video is a must. You can binge watch entire seasons of really great shows, while you’re up all night with a baby and it picks up right where you left off. No fast forwarding necessary.
  10. It takes a village to raise a child.

So, I’m now accepting any and all donations of alcohol and Excedrin headache medicine. Also be aware that I may fall asleep at random times in quiet, calm and warm environments. Don’t be alarmed. This may last up to 18 more years. I’d also be willing to let anyone borrow any of the three kids so you can get a better understanding of parenthood. They range from two months old to 12 years old. Believe me, each child has its own issues. One wants a cell phone, the other needs to learn his sight words and the other just wants to eat, sleep, and poop all the time. Take your pick. It’s kind of like a try-before-you-buy thing.

Parenting is difficult. In fact, it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had but it’s by far the most rewarding. I just hope and pray every day that I’m doing it right. In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy the moments. The precious moments every parent remembers about their children and maybe a few of the Linda moments as well. Until next week, Tell Someone I Love You Today.

-by Matt Boyer
Tell Someone I Love You Today 

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